The Best Relationship Advice from 45 Years of Marriage

1. Stand strong on your own, first. If your happiness is dependent on the constant validation and approval of your partner, then you are giving away far too much of your power. It’s human nature to want to be loved and admired, to want to be included, but it’s damaging to your self-esteem and emotional strength if it’s something you have to constantly beg for. The key is to nurture your own inner strength, then bring it into your relationship.

2. Maintain a solid foundation of mutual acceptance. Above all, acceptance means two people agree to disagree with each other on some things, and they’re perfectly okay with it. Differences of opinion, even major ones, don’t destroy relationships—it’s how people in a relationship deal with their inevitable differences that counts.

3. Be intentional and fully present when communicating. Your partner is not a mind reader. Share your thoughts openly. Give them the information they need rather than expecting them to know it all. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a relationship start with broken communication.

4. Face disagreements openly and with positive language. When disagreements in a relationship arise, the easiest thing to do is to run away, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by nature. But you have to catch yourself, because this isn’t just about you and whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences. It’s about what your relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run. You have to put your relationship’s needs ahead of your own sometimes. Both people must be committed to dealing with disagreements openly, because running from them will only make matters more difficult to deal with down the road.

5. Let each other save face. My grandmother once told me, “When someone you love backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out, and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing someone to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when you realize that people typically behave in such ways because they are suffering momentarily. They react to their own thoughts and feelings, and their behavior often has nothing to do with you.

6. Seek, support, and accept personal growth in each other’s lives. You know how to tell if something is alive and well? You look for evidence of growth. Healthy lifelong relationships contain two people who are committed to lifelong learning and growth.

They’re curious about things. They’re keen to learn from the world and from each other. And because of their love for learning, they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.

7. Let love be a daily practice. This final point encompasses the previous six, and then some.

In a healthy long-term relationship, two people love each other more than they need each other.

Because of this, the relationship itself becomes a safe haven to practice love.

And love, ultimately, is a practice—a daily rehearsal of honesty, presence, communication, acceptance, forgiveness, and heartfelt patience.